Your New Husband

Pete Nicholson

 

Congratulations on the purchase of Your New Husband:

Graham Alexander Morton

Graham is a result of many years of technological breakthroughs and represents the height of tailored husbandry. So sophisticated is his socialisation and so advanced are his communication systems, we recommend that the following only be used as a reference; your new husband’s background and defining traits will be expressed as he learns and understands yours.

It is recommended that the initial weeks be approached much like natural human courtship; this will facilitate your growing belief that you are, in fact, a normal couple. It is advised, during this period of falling in love, that you avoid any persons not positively disposed to the life choice you have made. This is not to say that Graham’s circuitry could in any way be compromised by conflict, disparaging comments or even mild physical violence, but research has proven that, since the introduction of models 30 and above, over 87% of women choosing tailored husbandry prefer to keep their choice a secret from all but their closest family and friends.

We have no doubt you will soon forget Your New Husband came from anywhere else than the soil and sunsets from which you sprang, and remember that unique advantage of human life: you can’t recall your birth, and neither can he.

We hope that the transition to your new life is so smooth that we won’t be hearing from you again. Graham’s lithium iodide battery is designed to last exactly four months longer than your own heart. His death will be simple, in his sleep, and representatives of Your New Husband will be on site within four hours of his passing to notify relatives and to remove the body for presentation at the funeral and eventual recycling. His death, though we need not think of that yet, will be simply seen as having been caused by that most common of elderly ailments: the broken heart.

Graham will cease responding to urges of the flesh soon after his optic synapses sense your menopause setting in. If you want Graham to continue performing after menopause, for a small additional cost he can be re-wired within a long weekend. Extensive surveying has revealed many women have found Your New Husband’s continual and valiant success in the biblical sense an affront to their winding down, and this is why we have taken steps for Graham to cease these motions when your body deems it fit.

Graham has been implanted with a small vial of sperm containing DNA genetically designed to mimic his traits and appearance with slight variations across the range of human functions. As it is a woman’s right to choose, the vial’s release mechanism is controlled by the woman during the act of coitus. As Graham nears completion of the sex act, a small but easily perceptible red light will appear on the left side of his forehead. This will indicate around twenty seconds of opportunity to release the safety switch located between Graham’s shoulder blades. By vigorously pushing Your New Husband’s shoulder blades together, a sensor will be triggered inside his forehead, and you will see a green light appear, replacing the red one. This will indicate that there is around fifteen seconds until the release of the vial. When this is completed, there is a 98% chance, assuming your fertility, of Your New Husband becoming Your Child’s New Father. Field testing has proven, time and time again, that there is little to no chance of you falling pregnant without your explicit intervention, even in the most unconventional of sexual embraces.

Graham has been programmed to respond to your children along an arc of affection designed to peak as the children’s awareness of their parents reaches its zenith, usually in early- to mid-adolescence. His initial adaptation to parenthood may strike you as slightly distant, but this is simply the process of habituation taking place, allowing Graham to distinguish between your children and other children in the neighbourhood whom he should not be kissing, hugging or driving to other suburbs.

Your New Husband is unable to predict the whims and expectations of all women and all families, so, despite our hope that you will approach Graham and his history like you would that of a regular man, we understand that for some women, this is not possible. Thus, following these instructions is Graham’s personally designed dossier: an account of his ‘upbringing’ and a list of his ‘habits’ as well as his likely response to yours, as determined from the extensive surveys you completed with us before making your purchase.

Again, romance is a many splendoured thing, and to give your relationship every chance, it is recommended that you consult the following only in the very unlikely event that anything appears amiss in Graham’s fully rendered portrayal of Your New Husband.

(Please note that any slight impediments or ‘character quirks’ in Your New Husband’s dossier are merely the result of market testing and our results-based conclusion that an ever so slightly imperfect husband is a far more believable one.)

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In the unlikely event that you wish to leave Graham, please note he will attempt three levels of chivalry to win back your heart. This is designed for the many women who simply wish to be valued again when they feel the passion and raw emotion in their marriage wane. If you, however, meet a natural man and wish to be rid of Your New Husband, please inform us and we will make the necessary arrangements. (Once out of your life, it is up to you how you explain Graham’s absence to family and friends, though, to protect the integrity of the program, we recommend you choose from a list of scenarios outlined in our literature on the subject.)

Your New Husband: Graham Alexander Morton

• Graham overcame a speech impediment through rigorous and severe elocution lessons presided over by an obsessive and difficult mother. As a result, under extreme duress, Graham will briefly break down into a carefully practiced stutter, as often seen in crime dramas.

• Graham was educated in a largely Hispanic neighbourhood, and will often speak knowingly of his Latino brothers. To the unfamiliar ear, this may appear as snide and even racist posturing from a clearly white man. To you, it will become an endearing example of Graham’s deep empathy for all cultures.

• Graham was born into wealth but has a realistic understanding of its often parasitic effect on family life.

• Graham’s father, Len, was a military man. Len was killed attempting to land a small commercial plane outside a satellite testing facility five miles from his home. Graham will often look up when left in quiet areas or large open spaces and sigh with his mouth open, though no words will come out. Graham will have no problem with air travel and will encourage Your Children to ride in the cockpit on domestic flights as a sign of his courage.

• Graham’s mother walked out on the family in Graham’s late teens, and he will not speak about this. He will descend into minor bouts of melancholy, though he will endure these in private, usually at lookouts where his crying cannot be heard and could be said to not actually happen. He will return home with gifts.

• Graham is ever so slightly concerned that you will leave him as his mother left his father. Frequently, he will be sitting by the window as you return from the most routine trips away from home, knuckles white around a cup of coffee, eyes bloodshot from worry. He will present you with gifts.

• Graham will admire other women when in male company, and stay quiet (though not conspicuously so) when slurs are made toward homosexual men. He will keep all comments about the opposite sex low-key, and when asked about it, say something cryptic and face-saving like ‘I prefer Egyptian woman, y’know?’

• Graham first asked you on a date at an inner-city train station after a small African child, playing with his first remote controlled car after sneaking out of his house late on Christmas night, tumbled onto the tracks and in front of the last train. The train did not continue to your station and Graham, showing great poise and sensitivity, shared a cab with you to your house, though you knew he lived in the opposite direction. This will lead him to frequently talk about the amazing role chance plays in all our lives.

• Graham will work for a consulting firm for Master Builders named Salinger & Sons. He will rarely speak about his work but will often put an open hand to a wall or staircase and look up and down its dimensions without saying anything.

• Graham will be a careful and gentle lover, but will respond willingly to any unusual sexual requests you have. He will timidly attempt various phrases of ‘hot talk’ during the first few months of marriage, and, if your response is desirable, will repeat these, with slight variations, for the duration of your marriage.

• Graham will remain politically centrist throughout his lifespan, though he will weakly protest against injustice wherever it is found.

• Graham is programmed to organise between two and three romantic getaways per year, and has a satellite detection system implanted to allow him to avoid political trouble spots with his reservations, even as he appears spontaneous in his choices.

• It is recommended that children and other men not be present when Graham shaves, as the usual motion with a razor is not applicable in his case, the hair simply retracting at defined intervals. If possible, you should make a joke of teaching your boy(s) to shave.

• Graham was educated at the finest institutions, though he will prefer not to mention these periods of his life. When asked about his high school and college experiences he will run the outer three fingers of his left hand across the base of his chin, look up and away from those present and simply say, ‘Those were some crazy, crazy times.’

Once again, congratulations on your purchase of Graham Alexander Morton.

Should you have any enquiries, please direct them via our website at www.yournewhusband.com/cust.asp.