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Four Memos from the Pete Nicholson Attention: Darren Davey Tyler Jameson (10am) Hi Darren! We would like to thank you for submitting your pilot idea, ‘Eurovision Food Drive’. While your idea was well received, and has been attached with an ‘h’ code for mild priority actioning within our department, we have been unable to pass it on to the funding team (the next step in the pilot process). There are numerous reasons for this, Darren, and I hope we can get across them sooner than you can say ‘streamline!’ SBS has long had the rights to the actual Eurovision Song Contest, and our research has continually revealed that the event has not shown itself to be a consistent ratings performer (despite its popularity in some remote corners of the ethnic community). Its brand self-awareness is clearly lacking and as such its seriousness as a cultural event is always in question. It is what our marketing guys like to call a ‘demographic chaser’, that is an event that has great potential for mainstream appeal, but one that has never made that leap to the Commercials, nor ever looked truly capable of doing so. But, nevertheless, great television decisions have often arisen from acts (or leaps!) of great faith and intuition, and I feel the on-site altruistic angle you hope to bring to talent quest-style Reality Television could really coincide with current viewer trends away from frivolity and make an impact in real terms. So let’s get these problems out of the way! I couldn’t help but wonder why you have used the name ‘Eurovision Food Drive’ when your pitch clearly and explicitly refers to a contest in which representatives of impoverished African nations compete via the singing of popular Western chart hits for incentives in some way relating to food – ‘…hot dog eating contests, maize planting seminars, community pancake workshops and all-you-can-eat savannah barbecues.’ It does not make good business sense, Darren, to so grossly misrepresent your product (in this case you were saved only by my dare-I-say unique attention to detail and commitment to community idea flow). Keep that thought locked up for future projects. Among our team, (who are ultimately, I must admit, not responsible for such decisions but who fancy our prowess in any case!) we were thinking more along the lines of ‘African Aid Idol’. ... (6pm) Darren, The central premise of your pitch is fantastic from all conceivable ‘network points’ – sponsors see their products at work (think GM major sponsorship Darren – I am!) and given in a most compassionate manner to those most in need; viewers are able to vote and in no small way direct said products to who they consider most needy; and we, as Australia’s foremost national broadcaster, preside over the whole process ensuring corporate (and cultural) integrity is maintained, and that any potentially nasty logistical issues never remove the singing children from our hearts and minds! So, with this potential organic synergy in mind you can understand why I am putting such energy and attention into your proposal (I am staying back late tonight writing this, Darren). ... (8pm) Please Darren, While it is almost always a good idea to be comprehensive, your ‘Alternate Naming Options Addendum’ was, to be honest Darren, culturally insensitive, crude and unacceptable. If we are to be working together, Darren, then please ride with me on this – we have Africans working in the building (I’m almost 100% sure) – they clean our office after we leave for the day I think – how would they feel if, emptying out a bin of light paper waste, they come across your suggested alternate titles ‘Starve or Sing’ or, (it shames me to repeat this) ‘Little Voices – Big Appetites!’ More importantly, how would you feel seeing how they feel? ... (11pm) Everyone’s gone home Darren, and I am, in truth, a little drained by this place. There’s a washed out photo of Kefe, our office’s sponsored Ugandan child, still hanging dog-eared on our fridge, though management deemed him an unnecessary expense some time ago. I was crunching on a baguette when I read your proposal, wondering about Kefe and all those pot-bellied kids we were exposed to in between E Street and the VFL, wondering if their needs have changed now that our obsessions have. I am writing to tell you I believe, Darren. In what exactly, I am waiting to hear. In anticipation, Tyler Jameson
This story is taken from Total Cardboard issue 7, and remains under copyright. For more information see www.totalcardboard.com |
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